Hot Diggity Dog! I am beyond excited. I am overwrought with joy. I just realized that Donald Trump’s historic win was not just a victory for Trump. It is a ‘twofer’ for me. While I congratulate Trump on his triumph, I am celebrating the news that Hillary Clinton received her due justice. Because, truthfully, folks, for Hillary Clinton, losing the presidency was akin to a punishment of prison. It was her dream, and in her own devious twisted mind, she was entitled to the job.
So I am ecstatic with the outcome as it rids the country of Clinton. And it saves all of the young interns in the White House from Bill. At almost seventy years of age, with her dreams completely shattered, Hillary has nowhere to go in the political world. She will have to be content living on the hundreds of millions of dollars that she has laundered through the Clinton Foundation. But that’s a different story for another day.
My second great thrill of the night was realizing that at least sixteen American celebrities will be shipping out of the country. And that’s not according to me. That’s according to their own public commitment. My mercy, I just hope we can hold them to their promise.
And just who are these arrogant celebrities, who believed they could sway public opinion to vote for Hillary Clinton by threatening to leave? Well, we have 1)Miley Cyrus….How cool would that be to have Billy Ray’s exhibitionist daughter leave the country? I just hope that she takes her tongue with her when she goes. 2) And then there’s Cher. Poor ole pitiful Cher. The only seventy year old woman around who parades through town with her navel exposed. 3) Next on the list is comedian Amy Schumer. Amy is a cousin to Chucky Schumer so that pretty much explains her mentality. We have to consider her gene pool. But on second thought, she could have been the cousin of Joe Biden. Then she would have nowhere to go but up. 4) Bryan Cranston of ‘Breaking Bad’ promised to head for Vancouver if Trump won. The star of ‘Breaking Bad’ runs for the hills like a wimp when he doesn’t get his way. It doesn’t sound like the guy could break anything. 5)Oh my, I forgot the woman who should have been at the top of my list…Barbara Streisand. Thank the Lord, Barb is finally going to get to have her trip to Canada. She’s been threatening to go there for decades, and now she will finally have a good reason to head on up. 6) Next on my list is a real gem of a gal, none other than sexual pervert Lena Dunham, the woman who wrote a book explaining how she molested her baby sister. Lena also posed nude while sitting on the commode eating a birthday cake. For some odd reason, I think she is one woman that America just might be better off without. 7) Look out Canada, because here comes Jon Stewart. Stewart has had his one man show of ridiculing every day American conservatives for years. And now you get him. 8) Comedian Chelsea Handler is promising to leave. She said that she has already purchased a house in another country just because of Trump. Call me a skeptic, but I think she’s lying. 9) Now, I’m really aggravated with this next guy. Samuel Jackson has promised to leave, but he wants to go to South Africa. What the heck, Samuel. We’re chartering one plane for you guys, and it’s to Canada. Anywhere else will be at your own expense. According to Samuel, “If that mother***er becomes president, I’m moving my black ass back to South Africa.” Get it moving, Samuel. Get it moving. 10) Whoopi Goldberg is promising to leave and as luck would have it, she has said that she can afford to leave. Thank goodness for that, because she didn’t commit to Canada. I sure will miss seeing her pretty face on ‘The View.’ 11) Actress Neve Campbell came to us from Canada. She said Trump’s honesty is scaring her. WHAT! This coming from the star of “Scream?” Just between us, I don’t think Ms. Campbell is real bright. Poor ole thing. 12) Keegan-Michael Key, whoever the heck that is, has promised to take off for Canada. He said it won’t be bad at all as his mom lives in Detroit which is only ten minutes from Canada. I think that’s great, Keegan. You going to Canada was just meant to be. 13)George Lopez, a Latino comedian, told TMZ in regards to illegals, “If Trump wins the presidency, we’ll all go back.” Heck, Trump hasn’t even taken his ‘oath of office’ and he is already making his promises come true. 14) Ne-Yo, an R&B singer, said that he’s going to Canada ‘straight away’ if Trump wins the presidency. I hope he has a GPS, because this guy looks to be a little lost. 15) Oh Baby, this one is going to make Trump’s win sweeter than a hot fudge sundae. Reverend Al Sharpton is leaving town. He has been looking for airline tickets for quite awhile. Well geez, where’s he looking? The Reverend Al isn’t real swift, but getting airline tickets isn’t really complicated. We’re here for you, Al, I will help you plan your flight. 16) Raven-Symone from The View is heading for Canada. She hasn’t been the same since she tried to have a conversation with Ann Coulter. For Coulter, explaining illegal immigration to Symone was tantamount to teaching calculus to a first grader. The Canadians will be getting a new student when Raven arrives.
All of these celebrities have publicly stated that they would leave the United States if Donald Trump won the presidency. I’m sure there are more that I’ve missed, but these sixteen are a start, and just knowing that they are leaving will make my day much brighter.
Get ready, Canada. They’re all yours!